Walking home through the park, I could smell the wet earth and hear the birds singing – as if a sign that I was going in the right direction. I stopped leaning against the cold metal railing. This was the moment. I realized how far I was from my own life, and finally, after many years, I was starting to move in the right direction.

The first serious reportage in my career as an analog photographer. It was six years ago, in the spring, in the center of a large Polish city. I was photographing the baptism of the first daughter of my college friends. A unique event. I photographed on film, collecting details, waiting for the right moment, sharpening carefully. I felt that I was witnessing something special. The smell of joy could almost be felt in the air. A perfect moment full of beauty, patience and understanding. A new life ready to greet the world. Ten fingers, ten toes, a small head with a few black hairs, two eyes searching for familiar faces, two ears searching for familiar voices. Nerves soothed by mother’s milk. At the time, I did not yet know how much this day would affect my life.

Summing up all the emotions that accompanied me, I looked deep inside myself. Grief, sadness, even jealousy. I searched for understanding of my feelings, which unexpectedly transformed with my every step according to the sounds around me. From the hum of the bustling city to the chirping of birds to the noise in the treetops. A few minutes earlier, surrounded by the buildings of the city’s old town, I had shared the joy of welcoming a new family member into the world; now, among the birds and greenery, I felt despair. I already knew that I would not be given the opportunity to welcome my child into the world. It will not be given to me to photograph the newborn life and witness its growth in my image and likeness.

I felt a cold breeze on my cheeks wet with tears, my lungs were running out of air. That afternoon I realized that the world I had been meticulously building for years was not the one I should be living in. I knew I had to change it so I could live in harmony with myself and stop hurting others. By mastering my emotions and reflecting on my life so far, I found an understanding of myself and my emotions. I knew what my next step would be. It was time to change. It was time to leave.